naughty_grog

As you well know I’m the proud daddy of a marvelous 7 month old and a snarky, too smart for her own good 14 year old. The 7 month old is beautiful, far prettier than an ogre like me should be capable of having any genetic link too and if I did I’d expect it to be spread out over millennia. She has huge blue eyes, lots of dark hair and the most amazing toothless smile and she’s almost always happy.

The 14 year old is beautiful with big blue eyes and darkish hair and is moody, smart, and hysterically funny. She is my partner in crime. She’s the one that when I’m looking for an excuse to act like a lu lu and drive hot wife mad is always there to help. I’ll have to explain the lisp game at some point .

There are two moments in my life that stand out above all others and one happened on November 2^nd 2002 and the other happened this morning.

On 11/02/02 I was married to hot wife and became the 14 year olds (then just 7) parental unit. Up until that day I’d always been refered to by this blonde wonder child as Tim and I was comfortable with that. But at the reception right after the wedding I was headed somewhere and behind me I heard this little voice say “dad”. I wish at this point I could say that hearing the word I spun around and swept this blonde vision of loveliness up and had a hallmark moment but as per the usual with my life it didn’t happen that way.

I kept walking. In my own defense I’d never heard that particular word from that particular beautiful little blonde head before so it just flat didn’t register. Then it happened again. “Dad”. Slowly the booze addled brain cells started to do the math.

“Hey that sounds like Kayla” said the one brain cell.

“Nah, couldn’t be. She calls us Tim” said my other brain cell.

“Damn it just turn around… but be cool just in case”

Well it was my little blonde that was calling me Dad, and by far one of the happiest days of my life.

Then this morning happened. My 7 month old’s first word was “Hi”. Not dada, not Momma it was “Hi”. This, for those who know me and or Hot Wife makes sense. The fact that my little bundle of joy ‘s first word was the most common conversation starter since the beginning of time makes perfect sense. For those of you less familiar with hot wife and I we’re people people. We will start conversations with anyone and become fast friends in a matter of a football game or while waiting on a plane. We love to talk and chat and get inside other people heads.

But this morning I woke to *laughter* blah blah blah dada dada dada *laughter* I’m pretty sure she knew it was my morning to get up with her and thought it was funny she was getting me up 2 hours early. So I stumbled to her crib and was greeted with a toothless smile and “Hi”

I knew today was going to be interesting from the moment I got up.  Not sure why but there was some weird feeling in the air.  On the way to work there was a little girl, I’m guessing about 10, crossing at the cross walk in front of the catholic school.  She was wearing jeans, a black leather jacket, sunglasses, and the most amazing gray fedora.  As she crossed she looked right in my car and smiled.  This is the smile that only comes to a person when they know that the world is laid out at their feet and nothing was going to slow her down or come between her and rocking that gray fedora.

I got to work and it was oddly slow today.  There was much joking and general rowdy screwing off.  Normally we're far too busy for that but today just seemed like an off day.

Now I’m sitting in my cube, not having touched my head set in over an hour wondering what the rest of tonight is going to lead to.  I'm in an odd mood and really want to go out and find some trouble to get in.  I'm usually a pretty upstanding guy for the record Husband, Dad, Employee, Community member.  But from out of nowhere I have this desire, or more to the point, NEED to go find something to do that's a little dangerous, off from my normal routine.  I have a need to be the center of attention.  I have a need to go out and be "that guy" as i was so many years ago. 

I was "That Guy".  I walked into nearly every club/bar/restaurant in the city and was greeted with a hug and a drink by the staff.  I never went anywhere that someone didn't know me and wanted to be near me.   There were several times that it was said that the party didn’t kick off till Tim arrived.  Girls would do some downright stupid/immoral things just to spend time with me.   

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going out for a drink, I’m not going to go out and talk a good girl into making a bad decision.  But there’s gotta be something.  I need to feel that the world is laid out before me, I Need to feel that nothing is going to slow me down, I need a gray fedora…..

the lesson of the moth

By Don Marquis, in "archy and mehitabel," 1927

i was talking to a moth
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense

plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter
it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves

and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity

but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself

archy

My Aunty Flake was forwarded an email of mine the other day and said that I was a good writer.  This was really cool actually as my aunt has been an English professor at a D1 school, has been published several times, and actually has a business selling antique books that I’m relatively certain that she’s read most of.  So this is something akin to Tiger Woods saying “Nice swing”, Dick Cheney saying “wow that was sneaky and underhanded.”   Or W saying “that was dumb” it was a heck of a compliment and has led me back to my little blog space.  I love to write there’s no getting around it but having time to do so as of late has been a bit little hit or miss, actually it’s just been miss.   So I’ll try and get around a little more often.  No promises but we’ll see.

Play nice kids. 

I am convinced that I have a great life.

This weekend has been proof of the charmed life that I lead. Through no real effort on my part I lead a great life. I have more friends than anyone person could possible hope for. The best part is they are all so very different and each one meets a part of my personality perfectly. Here are a few.

First there is Miah. Miah is hard to describe to anyone who does not know him. He is at once completely calculated and completely impulsive. He is loyal like no person I've ever met. Miah is the one person besides my wife that I know that no matter the time or the personal cost to him financially or any other way, when I need him he will always be there. There is also no doubt that he is his parents son. They are both nearly exactly like him and if you were to meet Brew and Martha there would be no doubt that the apple does not fall far from the tree. After my grandfathers funeral and spending days with my family I came home and spent an evening of BBQ and beer with Miah and his folks. I told them and will always hold close to my heart that I'd spent time in the days previous with the people that genetics had brought me. But that night I'd spent with the family I'd chosen. I do not deserve and on many occasions have done things that any lesser person would have written me off for immediately and with good reason. However Miah has always been there loyal and kind and has lead me with encouragement, love and an occasional kick in the ass to the man I am now. I work on having the loyalty and love that Miah has and I fear I will never get the opportunity to thank him enough for his love.

Then there is Matthew. Matt is brilliant like no other person I've ever met. There is nothing I feel that Matt couldn't do or learn and master. His curiosity is insatiable, I think for Matt it's necessary for him to learn and keep learning constantly just to sate his amazing mind for a moment. I will never know half the things he does or understand the way things work like he does. But when I ask, he is kind and explains in a hundred different ways till I understand as best as I can. What I love about Matt however is how he constantly cheers for me. He asks me questions and makes me feel like I'm clever and smart. He tells me when I make a self depreciating remark about all of my strengths and how I'll change the world. He tells me, this amazingly brilliant man, how smart I am and how valuable I am. There is something behind his eyes that I seek and envy. How he can honestly root for those around him and constantly point out all their good. How he wants to understand at a very core level everything he sees and reads. I work on trying to have the mind and the love of Matthew but I fear I will never get the opportunity to thank him enough for his love.

Kayla, my 13 year old daughter. I am blessed that one of my best friends also happens to be my daughter. She is my buddy, we laugh at the same silly things. She comes to me for straight no bullshit advice. She comes to me with her heart aches when spurned by a boy. I can always make her laugh and when she laughs I feel better Like Miah and Matthew my daughter is brilliant. I know that all dads think they're kids are brilliant, but in this case it's 100% true. In the book “Where is Joe Merchant” Jimmy Buffet writes about Mayan souls. How there are souls that are older than time and not from this world. They are the cause for ideas and thoughts that we imperfect humans could never understand. They are the artists, dreamers and revolutionaries. They are the people that change the world for the better. My daughter is one of these. She sees the world through eyes I do not understand. For her there is love and kindness at every turn. She does not see the tragedies of this world like I do. She sees them all as opportunity to do the next right thing. She loves in a way that I can't understand. She loves completely and thoroughly as if it comes from her toes. I worry that one day this will not be, that somehow the world that I live in will interrupt this. I hope she will fight. I hope she will never except the cold harsh world that I sometimes see. I hope she will continue to strive for the next right thing to do, and she will continue to love from her toes. I will endeavor to love like Kayla does and have the hope that she does, but I know I will never thank her enough for her love.

J, my beautiful bride. “I'm not crazy enough to think I can change the world, but I am crazy enough to try.” This is what my bride told me one day when we were dating. It is one of the multitude of reasons I love her.

We met, J and I, at a dinner party at Matt's house. Matt's wife RA and J were friends and she had asked me to come cook for a dinner party she wanted to have. I love to cook so there was no way I could turn it down. As I worked furiously in the kitchen with a million things bubbling away this amazing red head walked in the kitchen with a beautiful blond girl in tow, she asked if she could help. I told her that I appreciated the offer but I hated people in my kitchen as I cook. She replied with “That's great I can't cook and I didn't really want to anyway.” I was immediately stricken with this amazingly beautiful snarky red head.

We went out that night after dinner to a club that Matt and I were at a lot. We sang karaoke and danced till far to late. I asked her for her number and she gave it to me. A little over a year later we married.

J is my best friend there is no discussion of that. J has put up with a lot over our just over six years of marriage. My Bi Polar mood swings, my alcohol abuse, my laziness and my constantly switching jobs is the very tip of that ice berg. Through it all she has never done anything but love me and take up the slack that I've left behind.

J loves much like her daughter does, from her toes. She sees good in people that I would write off without a seconds thought. She is patient with people who yell and scream at her. There are many children in Kansas and accros the nation right now safe in bed in their forever homes with their forever families that will look back to J as the fairy god mother that gave them exactly what every child needs, a loving home.

I've not been fair to J, I haven't always been kind. Her family loves just like she and Kayla do they are all out to save the world and will. They help J and I in anyway they can. I have been less than kind to them far too often.

I will try and love J the way she loves me, I will fail, but I will try every day.

There is no way if I started to day and tried till I died to thank J for her love, but I will try.

There are hundreds of others that I would love to mention if there were time and maybe someday I'll elaborate.

Kyle with his off beat and oftentimes disturbing sense of humor.

Amanda and AC who take me home whenever I talk with them.

Megan a grounding force for both Miah and I.

Monkey a man who genuinely intimidates me with his brilliance and amazing wit,

Caryolyn out to save the world and make people think without hate,

all of the crazy people I'm just getting to know on twitter.

There are others and I pray they know and I fear I will never thank them enough for their love.

If you are reading this thank you. Be well, Do good work, and keep in touch

My good friend over at dustindeckard.com put out a challenge via twitter. It simply said

“dustindeckard   A portion of my list: Things I want to do before I die. Do you have a list, too? BLOG ABOUT IT :) http://is.gd/8OcZ”

well i'm home and sick so I thought what a wonderful way to spend an afternoon. So here's my bucket list

• I want to hike across the hills of England with a walking stick and a tweed hat that I can tip to passing motorists, and spend the afternoon watching a soccer match in a pub.

• I want to eat breakfast on a balcony over looking a northern Italian Vineyard. The sun shining on my wife and I as we laugh and plan the day to come.

• I want to Summit Kilimanjaro and look down on the plains of Africa (a continent by the way) from 19,340 feet

• I want to ride a classic Triumph Bonneville around town, with a leather jacket and have young people look at me and say “I want to be cool like that when I'm his age”

• I want to graduate from college

• I want to read the Bible and be well versed so I can have deep philosophical conversations with people I respect.

• I want to discover art from the inside, I want to paint, throw pottery and sculpt.

• I want to be my daughter and my baby to comes hero

• I want to remain the love of my wife's life. I want for her to live a hundred years and for me to live one hundred years minus one day so I never have to find out how to live without her.

• I want my daughter and the baby to come to always know how proud I am of them and that I will love them with all that I am, always.

• I want to play the guitar, so that I can sit on summer evenings and play for my children and one day grandchildren and sing them songs of my youth and songs that my wife will yell at me for teaching them, and we'll laugh.

• I want to be able to run/bike/swim without a shirt on and have women sigh and smile at me and their husbands/boyfriends to give me a dirty look.

• I want to change the world.

• I want to always love and never hate

• I want to always be curious and wonder how things work

• I want my family and friends at my side when my time comes and for them all to smile and laugh through tears knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I've gone on to something better.
  
  I just read it to my wife and I cried.  Guess I need to get to work.
   

But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been
anything false about hope. For when we have faced down impossible
odds; when we've been told that we're not ready, or that we shouldn't
try, or that we can't, generations of Americans have responded with a
simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people.

Yes we can.

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the
destiny of a nation.

Yes we can.

It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail
toward freedom through the darkest of nights.

Yes we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and
pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.

Yes we can.

It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the
ballot; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality. Yes we can to opportunity and
prosperity. Yes we can heal this nation. Yes we can repair this
world. Yes we can.

And so tomorrow, as we take this campaign South and West; as we learn
that the struggles of the textile worker in Spartanburg are not so
different than the plight of the dishwasher in Las Vegas; that the
hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are
the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we
will remember that there is something happening in America; that we
are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people;
we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter
in America's story with three words that will ring from coast to
coast; from sea to shining sea - Yes. We. Can.